Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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