Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
