You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
