My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
