I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
