There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
