my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
