i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
