Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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