I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Randomize
