I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
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