i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
