I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize