I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize