You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize