And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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