We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
