When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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