Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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