You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
