Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
