So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
