I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
