I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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