my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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