i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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