if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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