it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
