so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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