U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
