On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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