I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
