I'm laying in your front yard are you home
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Randomize