i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
