Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm just crazy horny about you
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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