i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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