Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
