Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
