I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
