Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
