tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
