his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize