Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
