Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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