I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
