I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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