I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
