she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
