Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
