I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I fill condoms, not promises.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
