I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
