I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
