1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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