I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
