If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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