as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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