I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
