I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
