I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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