I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I stole a fireplace last night.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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