I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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