The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
