I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
