ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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